I’ve been on an inner journey. It’s felt like a journey because there’s the sense that I’ve travelled through stages. At each stage there has been a realisation about where I’m at. Am I doing well enough? Am I fulfilled? Am I successful, happy and content?
In years of what looked like self-discovery I went down many different paths. Every path strengthened me, whether it led me to suffering, pain, insecurity, fear; or joy, happiness, contentment and love. It can’t have been any other way because it was the path that was.
I always knew I was searching for something which could help me to have a better experience of life. I knew on a very fundamental level that this could be found. But I noticed that when I searched for it I never found it. All my efforts were just pedalling me further and further from the truth. It’s the paradox of life: when you stop trying, things fall into place. When you give up you give over. When you stop looking you see, when you stop fearing you face up, when you stop pushing you move forth, and when you stop searching you seek.
But I was looking in completely the wrong direction. I failed to see that I had just been played by the game of life, and here I was, caught in a huge cosmic game of hide and seek. I had hidden so damn well from my true self that I couldn’t find myself with all the seeking in the world.
This month I reached a new turning point in my spiritual development, which has turned my whole world on its head, in the most positive way possible. It was like a huge software update which has helped me to redefine my direction in all areas of my life. I experienced this extraordinary update following a transformational retreat I was attending in Tenerife, guided by three very special people: Jan and Chip Chipman, and my trainer and coach Jamie Smart. I was thrown completely into the unknown, and for the first time in my life, I was excited about this instead of feeling completely terrified.
There’s something I didn’t realise before now; that change was never about needing to understand something. It wasn’t even about learning, unlearning, discovering or uncovering. What is there to understand about what’s already true? What is there to learn about something from which learning originates from? What is there to discover or uncover except what already is? It wasn’t change I needed in the literal sense of the word, nor in the sense of there being something I needed to do. I had it the wrong way round. I needed to be relentlessly pointed towards the fundamentals of how things already are for change to naturally occur, and the only way to experience that was to not know anything; to jump into the unknown and allow all of my thinking to drop away.
I noticed that every time I touched that space of pure conscious awareness I experienced the most wonderful and powerful feeling. I knew that this is what I had been looking for my whole life. I was home. I was at peace, but I was also more alive than I had ever been and full of vitality. It was the most nourishing feeling, and something far beyond words. I knew that from that space, I already had all the answers. I had everything I needed to live a life free from stress, anxiety, worry, judgement, fear, insecurity and pain. I realised that no matter what the circumstances are at any given moment, there’s really nothing to fix – and only a change of perspective needed to make everything look different.
When I came face-to-face with this truth, suddenly, I found myself staring my true self in the face in everything I saw, felt, heard, touched and experienced around me, because who I really am is not personal – it’s the very essence of the whole universe. We are all omnipresent as consciousness, as human beings, as trees, plants, birds, animals, stones and rocks, the sea, all of nature. Everything is an expression of the divine loving energy of the entire universe.
I only recognised this truth because it had been there all along. It is exactly what carried me through the ups and downs of life. Just by the very nature of my existence it was carrying me through life. It was my own spiritual guide, which sometimes I listened to and sometimes I ignored. Under all the dirt I accumulated from years of worry, stress and anxiety, I had just forgotten that it was always there. It had never left my side. It never leaves anybody’s side.
So I continue to shine my light in the hope that others will come home to who they truly are too.
You are success, therefore you succeed,
You are courage, therefore you fear,
You are sight, therefore you look,
You are, therefore you seek,